Visiting Archer
by Red Witch
Summary: Some of the gang visits Archer in the hospital.


**The hospital took away the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. This ties in with the story Coffee With Mallory And Ron. What happened when Lana and Mallory went…?**

 **Visiting Archer**

"I suppose I should thank you for taking me to see Sterling this morning," Mallory sighed as she and Lana made their way to Archer's hospital room.

"You should thank me for not dropping you off at the loony bin the way you and Ron were acting this morning," Lana gave her a look.

"We had a little spat and we made up," Mallory waved. "What's the big deal?"

"You made up in the driveway where everyone could **see you**!" Lana looked at her. "Doing things that people aren't supposed to see."

"Please," Mallory waved. "The hedges obstructed most of the view from the neighborhood anyway."

"Didn't obstruct mine," Lana grumbled as they went in.

To their surprise Archer wasn't alone. Pam and Cheryl were sitting on chairs next to Archer's bedside on his left side. Ray was standing on the right. "What the hell are you lot doing here?" Mallory asked, clearly surprised.

"What?" Pam challenged. "You think you're the **only people** who care about Archer?"

"To be fair, I only sort of care," Cheryl said. "Honestly I just miss the sex. Not everything else about him."

"I'd be lying if I said I missed the gay comments," Ray said. "Especially since **you've** been picking up the slack."

"Thank you for lying, Ray," Mallory sighed. "But we both know that particular game has been way off of late."

"You called him **Ray**?" Lana did a double take. "What no Miss Gillette joke?"

"My son is lying right here in front of me in a coma Lana!" Mallory snapped. "What am I supposed to do? Put on a comedy act?"

"Yeah Lana," Ray said.

"Show a little class," Cheryl added.

"Where's the rest of the Idiot Brigade?" Mallory asked as she took a seat on Archer's right side.

"Cyril said that someone had to stay behind in the office," Pam said. "And Krieger's doing whatever he has to do for that play he's putting on tonight."

"Besides," Ray added. "You really want Krieger anywhere **near** the morgue?"

"God no," Lana groaned.

"You have a point," Mallory sighed. "And I know Cyril isn't exactly Sterling's biggest fan. Well at least someone is at work. Maybe not exactly working but…"

"He's working on jerking," Cheryl scoffed. "You know what I mean? Mr. Master-Bater."

"Why are **you** here?" Lana asked Cheryl. "Really?"

"Is it so hard to understand I want to visit Archer?" Cheryl asked. "We were in love once."

"Not really," Ray said.

"First, I've heard of it," Mallory said.

"Yeah right," Pam waved.

"Okay maybe it was more me than him," Cheryl admitted. "But we have a connection."

"If by connection you mean his dick connected with your vagina," Ray gave her a look. "Then yeah. You had a connection."

"I'd feel bad if I didn't see him before he died," Cheryl looked at Archer.

"He's **not** going to die!" Mallory snapped.

"Well I don't exactly call what he's doing right now living," Cheryl pointed out. "He looks kind of brain dead."

"Not exactly the worst thing in the world," Ray looked at Cheryl. "Since you've been operating **without** a brain for years!"

"Hear, hear," Mallory nodded.

"Hear what?" Cheryl blinked.

"Ignore her," Pam told Mallory.

"I'm trying," Mallory sighed. She looked at Archer. "Oh Sterling. I just hope you wake up soon. Or wake up before I…Before I…"

"Please," Cheryl waved. "You're as healthy as an alcoholic horse."

"At least I know I have a good chance of outliving **you!** " Mallory snapped.

"He looks good," Ray remarked. "For a guy in a coma."

"That's because Sterling has had so much practice being unconscious in a drugged-up stupor," Mallory sighed.

A young blonde nurse with a name tag saying GREEN walked in. "Good morning Mrs. Archer."

"Ms. Archer!" Mallory protested.

"Really?" Pam looked at her. " **That's** what you're concerned with right now?"

"I'm checking his vitals," Nurse Green looked Archer over.

"Is that what they call it?" Cheryl snickered.

"How is he doing?" Lana asked.

"Pretty well considering he's in a coma. For some reason he keeps getting these bruises every now and then in the stomach area," Nurse Green told them. "We have no idea why."

FLASHBACK!

One night at the hospital, Cyril wearing a doctor's lab coat snuck in. He crept by Archer's bedside. "Archer? Archer? You awake? Good!"

He hit Archer once in the stomach. And then again. And again.

He was about to hit Archer in the face but stopped himself. "No! Not the face! Not the face! Never the face Cyril! Never the face!"

He paused. "Boy what I wouldn't give to smother you right now…But maybe those internal injuries I just gave you will do the trick? And if not…I could always come back later. Yeah…Come back later."

"Man, security is really lousy at this hospital."

FLASHFORWARD!

"If I didn't know better," Nurse Green said. "I'd say he was punched in the stomach repeatedly. By someone who didn't want him hit in the face."

"Well it is a nice face to sit on," Cheryl remarked.

"Cheryl!" Lana snapped.

"I bet she'd do him," Cheryl pointed to Nurse Green. "I bet she puts in some kind of drug in his IV to make his dick stand up and at night when nobody's around she…"

"OH MY GOD!" Nurse Green gasped.

"Even for **you** that's tasteless!" Pam snapped. "And for me!"

"Which tells you something right there," Mallory glared at Cheryl.

"How is it that you have a talent for saying the worst things at the worst times?" Ray snapped.

"Just lucky I guess," Cheryl shrugged.

"Excuse me," Lana got up and walked out.

"Now look what you've done!" Ray snapped. "Lana!" He went after her.

Mallory glared at Cheryl. "You are a waste of space, you know that?"

"Who cares what you think?" Cheryl shrugged as she pulled out a small vial of glue. "I'm rich."

"Lana! Lana!" Ray caught up to Lana in the waiting room. "Don't listen to Cheryl. It's just her bad luck she wasn't born mute."

"It's not just Cheryl that's bothering me," Lana sighed. "It's everything. I don't know how much more of this I can take."

"To be fair I don't think even Archer means to be in a coma this long," Ray said. "I think. Then again it is Archer…"

"We were happy once you know?" Lana sighed.

"Sure, while you were sneaking around," Ray quipped. "Sorry Darlin'. It's the cat in me. I've been around these assholes too long."

"It's not like you're wrong," Lana sighed. "Why the hell did Archer have to get mixed up with Veronica Deane? And why the hell did I just **let him?"**

"Lana there's no point in thinking about what you **should** have done," Ray told her. "The important thing now is what to do now. You need to stay strong, for your daughter. And Ms. Archer."

"I know," Lana sniffed. "It's been hard."

"I know," Ray hugged her. "You got me and the rest of the idiots, you know that right?"

"I know," Lana sighed as she pulled away. "God help me Ray I still love the asshole. What's wrong with me?"

"Nothing," Ray said. "You're a woman in love with a philandering idiot. And somehow despite his many, many, many flaws that idiot loves you. I think in a weird way he got shot because he loves you."

Ray paused. "Look for all you know Archer is gonna wake up soon and everything will be back to the way it was."

"What if I don't want things the way they were?"

"Then talk to him," Ray said. "Stop playing these crazy games and **talk!** "

"You're right," Lana sighed. "I know you're right."

"It's going to be fine," Ray said. "If Archer was going to die he would have done it already! The fact he's hung around this long only means he's screwing around somehow. I don't know how he's managed to screw around in a coma. But if there was a way of dragging things out, Archer will find it!"

"He does have that particular talent."

"And when he wakes up," Ray said. "You make it damn clear to him that you are **not** going to let him run around like a dog without a leash. This time no more breaks. No more shenanigans. Got it?"

"Got it."

"You know I made the same mistake you did once," Ray sighed. "Didn't end as dramatically as what happened with you and Archer. I was really stuck on this guy once. But he had a wandering eye. And as it turns out a wandering dick. And like a fool I thought I could teach him a lesson. Instead I got one."

"I'm sorry Ray," Lana sighed. "You've really been a big help to me these past few months. And Pam. Everyone else…Not so much."

"What about Ms. Archer?"

"Don't ask," Lana groaned. "You don't want to know what she and Ron put me through. All I can say is thank God for Jim Henson and his Muppets. At least AJ didn't hear what was going on. And what went on scarred me for life!"

"They had another brawl huh?"

"It wasn't as much the brawl that disturbed me," Lana admitted. "It was the making up that did it. When they did it. Outside. In their hedges. Where probably some of the neighbors could see…"

"Oh, dear Lord," Ray was stunned. "You know I always wondered why Ron and Ms. Archer have stayed together so long."

"That's what keeps their relationship together?" Lana asked. "Fighting and then makeup sex?"

"Lana," Ray looked at her. "That's almost **exactly** like your relationship with Archer."

"Well that's just mean," Lana looked at him.

"But true."

"Bitch," Lana groaned. "What am I going to do?"

"Survive," Ray said. "One day at a time, my dear. One day at a time."

Ray paused. "So, what were Ron and Mallory fighting about **this time?"**

"Well…" Lana sighed. "How to make coffee for one thing."

"They still can't figure out that machine?" Ray asked. "Why didn't they get one of those pod things?"

"I don't know," Lana shrugged. "Apparently Mallory had some weird dream where Len Trexler came back and she let it slip and that started another fight within the first fight…"

"She never did get over him, did she?" Ray asked.

"Who knows? I think it's more like a history thing," Lana admitted. "Oh, you'll laugh about this. She was mad at Ron because in her dream he ran off with you."

"WHAT?" Ray did a double take.

"I know, crazy right?" Lana snickered.

"I'm not so sure," Ray quipped. "If that woman can't turn a man gay…"

The sounds of a commotion were heard. " **Now** what?" Lana groaned as they went back to Archer's room.

"You people are insane!" Nurse Green snapped as she held her arm. "You need to leave right now!"

"YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!" Cheryl screamed. She was being restrained by two burly male guards. One had the beginnings of a black eye. "And follow up, are either of you guys into choke sex?"

"All of you get out!" Nurse Green snapped.

"Why do **I** have to leave?" Mallory protested. "I didn't want any of these idiots here in the first place!"

"What's going on?" Lana asked as she stormed in. "What happened?"

"Oliva Glue-ton John over here tried to glue up in front of the nurse," Pam explained. "And when Florence Nightmare Gale tried to stop her, Cheryl bit her!"

"And this one punched me!" One of the security guards pointed to Pam.

"I was trying to pull Cheryl off the nurse when I accidentally hit this guy," Pam admitted. "So, do you want to go out to dinner? My treat. As a way of apology? Then maybe we can have some apology sex…?"

"Oh God no!" The security guard with the black eye shouted.

"What? I'm not good enough for you?" Pam snapped.

"I'm married!" The security guard with the black eye snapped.

"Awkward," Pam winced.

"You can get rid of those two," Mallory waved.

"You're leaving too!" Nurse Green snapped. "I've had enough of you for today!"

"What did she do?" Ray asked.

"Offered to tip me with a potato," Nurse Green glared at Mallory.

"You don't know for sure she's Irish," Pam said.

"With those bleached blond roots?" Mallory asked.

"GET OUT!" Nurse Green snapped. "And don't come back until you people learn how to behave!"

"Don't hold your breath, Nurse Ratchet," Pam quipped.

"Get her out of here!" Nurse Green pointed to Cheryl.

"YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!" Cheryl screamed as she was dragged away. "OOH! ON SECOND THOUGHT YES YOU CAN! AAAGGGHHH!"

"Knowing Cheryl, she's probably getting off on this," Lana groaned.

"Would not surprise me," Pam sighed.

"Lana you might as well take me home," Mallory sniffed. "I don't feel like going into work and watching my profits drop."

"I'll keep you company while we wait for Ron to come back with AJ," Lana said as the two of them left the room. "Just don't start any fights with him. At least until AJ and I are gone!"

"I want you **all gone**! Now!" Nurse Green snapped. "Visiting hours are over for this patient today!"

"I guess we should go back to work," Ray sighed as they left.

"What work?" Pam asked. "I say screw Cyril and let's go get some lunch. And some brewski's. Once we pick Cheryl off from the sidewalk."

"I think I just figured out the **real reason** you're still in a coma," Nurse Green told Archer. "Probably the first bit of rest you've had in **years.** "


End file.
